I can safely say I never thought I'd be blogging about Scott Baio and how much I dig him, but frankly this is his finest hour. DJ Lubel is a pretty funny dude, and if you enjoy the below, check out his facebook page and his roast of Murray Hill culture, which is pretty spot on. (blogger admission - I too have blacked out at Joshua Tree. thanks Little General for a night to remember...or not, as the case may be.)
I've watched this video at least ten times, and the only thing I've seen that tops it is "sheep shearing" by Seth MacFarlane. But, different genres for sure. There's room for both in my pantheon of YouTube greatness. Enjoy.
what could possibly compel the laziest blogger in the west to come out of summertime hibernation to post? HANK MOODY. to paraphrase Steve from Eastbound and Down, Hank Moody Is Coming Back Fucking Soon.
I've never particularly enjoyed flying any airline except Virgin America. Mostly the experience ranges from below average to completely fucking intolerable, and 9 times out of 10 I'll arrive at my destination haggared, pissed, and totally spent. But that can be due to a number of factors, and it's not always because the airline itself supports a policy of total assholery.
United, it seems, DOES espouse this corporate ethos, as evidenced by this story, first reported by the Chicago Tribune.
The gist of the story is that a bunch of United baggage monkeys were seen throwing guitars around on the runway like retards in the tanbark. Among those was a $3,500 Taylor belonging to Dave Carroll. Oddly enough, upon arrival his guitar was broken. United told him to take a flying leap, and he pledged to write 3 songs about his shitty experience, and make them available to anyone in the world.
He followed through.
Video below - hope United crashes and burns on this one. Pun intended.
Better than the Batmobile. This ride speaks for itself. Well actually Snoop speaks for his ride. And it's fucking perfect. Enjoy.
Axe has been impressing the shit out of me recently. They take risks in their ads, and they're not afraid to say screw it, dudes in their 20s will dig this and those are our people.
Exhibit A:
This is one of my personal favorites - and below is the uncut longer version. For some reason this speaks to me...
And then there's this. I found it on Amy Paffrath's blog, and I've watched it ten times in the last half hour. Any ad that can recommend that you "finger. rub. spread." is pretty strong. The part that kills me every time is the dude at the very end of the ad in the background complaining "worst strippers ever." For some reason this absolutely wrecks me.
Finally, cuz I'm awesome like that, check out this ad for a wolf shirt posted on Amazon. I first came across this a long time ago, and @playrawkstar sent it back around again this afternoon. Worth it for the first comment alone, and just keeps getting better. You're fucking welcome.
So I've been a little preoccupied with work, family, travel and borderline alcoholism these past 6-8 weeks, and the blog has taken a bit of a back seat in terms of priorities. Rock of Love Bus has remained top of mind though, and last night during each commercial break was a commercial for a different feminine hygiene product. I had to check the cable guide twice to make sure I wasn't watching the Lifetime channel by mistake. The logical connection is obviously that most of the ladies on the Love Bus fall into one of two categories: the low-rent whores who have probably infected the bus with crabs, or the professional "dancers" who if swayed to a new brand probably buy enough product to directly affect the revenue line.
Anyway, the bottom line is that commercials about bush trimming are funny. It's great to watch the ad men work hard to be creative about a subject they can't directly reference.
Favorite part is that the longer clip starts with a woman petting a cat that sits on her lap. Nice work agency!!
And shout out to Groovemonkey for reminding me that this is blog-worthy. Check out the Monkey's blog over at www.groovemonkey.com...
"Whether they were jamming to sold out shows, or jizzing on passed out groupies...Steel Panther had only one way to go, and that was up."
I'll give you one chance to guess where I'll be on Thursday, March 19th at La Zona Rosa in Austin, TX: the Steel Panther show, that's effing where.
Is it blasphemous to compare a mocumentary to Spinal Tap after only watching for 2 minutes and 56 seconds? Probably, so I won't do it yet. But in asking that question, I actually just did.
Steel Panther.
So Michael Phelps wins 12 gold medals for his country, at an immeasurable personal cost over several years in the prime of his life. Then he takes a little time out, hits the bong in London, gets sold out by some asshole who sends his picture to the tabloids, and gets crucified by the media.
Fair? Hardly. And if this didn't sum it up, check out the above by Seth Myers. Genius. And c'mon guys - if anyone gets a hall pass to let loose and smoke a little weed, I think it's Michael Phelps. Really.
Two things I love: Guns N' Roses and Nintendo. I've combined them in past by playing Wii while listening to the GnR catalog, but here's another mash-up I'm digging.
Does this make you feel like you're between innings in Baseball Stars? Enjoy.
If only all environmentalists could somehow wrap drinks into their thinking, maybe they wouldn't come off as obnoxiously self-righteous. Good for you, Sierra Nevada. You're on the list for a key to my Sparks fallout shelter.
I'd like to see PETA integrate flavored vodka into its protests, and maybe I'll pay more attention to critical mass if they start wearing beer helmets while they create chaos.
Thanks to Piers and the gang at PSFK for surfacing this stroke of genius.
Sparks is pretty awesome. What other malt liquor drink will get you bouncing off walls AND leave you with an orange tongue for up to 36 hours?? What better way to kick-start your pre-game than to throw back a Sparks or two while playing RockBand?? The jolt you get after a couple sips speeds the guitar fingers exponentially by the way.
I've been known to dabble.
Sparks has been a part of the pre-game ritual for as long as it's been on the market. But now, thanks to this guy, that's all going away.
I first found out about this travishamockery from Pej, and the Gruckers and I have been buying it off the shelves like we're preparing for the apocalypse. Which, in many ways, we are.
No need to elaborate when I can share this link; my favorite quote from his story is below. Sums it up nicely:
"Look, I know this isn't exactly the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in terms of important issues, but this is your government, and it's being bullied by some nerd with wire rimmed glasses and a Just for Men dadstache who hates to party. Petty as it sounds, this is one small issue that stands for a lot of bigger issues. You've gotta fight for your Right to Party."
I saw this commercial approximately 800 times during this past holiday season, and it made me laugh harder each time. The buildup to the gift this woman is about to receive reminds me of the Lexus commercials where she goes outside and there's a car outside wrapped in a bow.
Well, this ad has all the same type of buildup to the great gift, only when dude swings open the barn door, the big reveal finds a sheep standing there all nicely wrapped up in a bow. A SHEEP! A fucking sheep.
I thought this was a SNL skit on first viewing, or expected some the dude to walk up to the sheep, slice open his neck and pull out 8 blood diamonds that would eventually become the world's most expensive tennis bracelet. Nope.
And the best part is the woman's reaction - "How did you know?! It's perfect." First of all...what??? Second of all, I bet he knew because you live on a fucking farm and since the economy's in the tank all you talk about is needing more sheep. But those are some well-dressed farmers, and I can't imagine they're hard up for extra sheep...
A couple more questions while we're here:
- how long has that thing been in there tied up in a bow?
- how does one discreetly keep a sheep hidden in a bow for an extended period of time?
- do the kids assume Santa just carries all manner of livestock in his sleigh?
- what now? do they just carve his ass up and serve him for Christmas dinner? do they take him inside?
OK... that's all I got.
Sure it's only January, so it may feel like not so much of a big deal when I say this is the best thing I've seen all year. But I can safely say that the sentiment will hold true through at least June, barring any unforeseen Elisha Cuthbert sex tapes. (Sean Avery's sloppy seconds be damned - she is unbelievable.)
Now, I won't be needing condoms tomorrow, next week, next month, or in the 2020s. I'm pretty much covered. However, if I DID need to wear a hat, you can bet your ass that I'd pick Durex every time - this is possibly the best thing I've ever seen.
Take notes Sting. This is how it's done.
UPDATE - for some funny (and short) outtakes, click here.
Came across this hard-hitting piece of journalism over at ESPN the Magazine, courtesy of Rick Reilly.
Rick, your stock is rising. No better way to my heart than via my beer pong table (see below):
Best part about this story besides the fact that ESPN the Magazine is now covering beer pong as a sport (long overdue), is that Rick Reilly went to World Series of Beer Pong because his sons were in the tournament.
Good on you Mr. Reilly - if I asked my dad to attend my beer pong tournament, he'd give me that sideways head-cock accompanied by one of those "really??? you're MY son??" looks that's usually followed by a DNA test.
Best quote of the article - one of the dudes on a team that made it to the finals apparently slugged a bottle of Jack Daniel's beforehand. "The key today," he said later, "was me getting real drunk."
Well played sir. Well played.
I love Larry Bird so much.
I love 1980s NBA action, I love the gear, and I love that not everyone had credit cards, and people actually mailed a dollar bill through the postal service to receive a catalog to order their gear. This process was pretty normal back then, but the actual sending and the waiting and the ordering and the delivery etc etc would absolutely KILL me if I wanted a one of those Cliff Engle sweaters today.
Larry's not exactly the smoothest pitchman either, is he...
I think this commercial was airing around the time that I somehow obtained Larry's phone number at his house in French Lick, Indiana. I used to call several times daily, asking for Larry. For some reason he was never around. I was told repeatedly that he was fishing, on the boat with his brothers, or at various other spots in and around French Lick. I would leave my name and phone number, and assure whomever was on the other end of the line that I'd be calling back soon.
Larry never called back.
I have no idea what I would have said to Larry had he been around to talk to ten-year-old me. I'd like to think it would have revolved around that amazing sweater...
To bring it all home, the video I've seen approximately 15,000 times that takes us back to the title of this post. Enjoy.
I'm about 30 minutes post-vasectomy, so technically this is not a live-blog event. However I was told by my doctor that I'm his first patient to ever text message mid-vasectomy. (I updated my Twitter / Facebook status.) Anyway after initial excitement followed by recent apprehension and a little bit of immediate pre-op nervousness, I'm happy to report that there are - hopefully - no more babies in my future, and my balls are safely put back together, and on ice - literally and figuratively - for the next couple days.
A coworker responded to my status update with the title quote - I think she was being facetious, but I briefly considered it. I was laying back with two-hand access to the old crackberry so I could have gone all Ed TV on that ass without much trouble. But the truth is - and this has to be a good thing - there wouldn't have been much to blog. The whole thing took less than 20 minutes, and aside from a couple minor tugs and the sensation of being kicked in the man-junk a few times during the anesthesia, there was really no pain. And hey - free ball shave. I'm always up for a little complementary manscaping, so thanks nurse, and hope you paid equal attention to both sides. I'm nothing if not a stickler for below-the-waist symmetry. So here we sit on the other side.
The balls are still numb so no pain updates as yet. I'm icing, and I'll be going on-off every fifteen minutes for the next few days here. The wife is helping me acquire complete seasons of 24 starting from the beginning, and in the absence of all else I'll be at the mercy of shitty bowl games through Friday afternoon. So the snippage is done, there's not much to tell, and I'm registered for "get well soon" gifts at Nordstrom and Best Buy.
All in all, this is a walk in the park compared to what our family has been through over the past few years - I'm easy. Now it's back to the ice treatment. And hopefully I won't pop any sutures playing RockBand...
Was having one of those office conversations that organically leads to a discussion about how to deliver an effective stink palm, and I had to post the original for your holiday enjoyment. Everyone please try to use this maneuver at least once before the close of the year.
Thanks to my man Steve Kerns for surfacing this video (that only a million other people have watched at current count). Anyway it's pretty awesome. I love that he brought out his "mating call" joke that he used in last night's 30 Rock too.
As Steve said, this kind of a performance = confidence in your career.
Enjoy.
Which means, of course, I've got a broner.
It's official - see here for more information. This season has so far been flawless, and as it's getting close to the end of season two, I was starting to officially get all angsty about season three and whether or not the suits would make the right call. I don't think I could live another Arrested Development situation, and I'd hate to spend the next 20 years in the slammer after CBS forced my hand and I was compelled to burn that mother down.
So, disaster averted. Moody will be back for another year.
Of course when a person you admire on many levels shares your opinion on something, it feels good. In this case the admired person in question, Chuck Klosterman, is someone I look up to as a writer, as a cultural pundit, and also as a fellow connoiseur of hair bands (and basketball).
I can safely say I've probably read over 75% of anything Klosterman's ever written. I've read all his books, all his stories in Spin, GQ, The New York Times Magazine, etc. I used to work in PR and, once I had blown through all his more accessible material, I would use our media search tools to find everything he had written at the local papers he used to write for. I'd then print that up and read it straight through - at work, on the ferry, in the bathroom, and sometimes behind the wheel - until I was done.
Klosterman's writing gives me a huge broner, and I embrace that broner.
Anyone who has read Klosterman's work would agree with the statement at the end of his intro as a guest reviewer of Chinese Democracy in The A.V. Club - There is no one in the world more qualified to review the exhaustingly anticipated new Guns N' Roses album than he is.
If you read the review, you'll note that the comments section devolves into a sidebar discussion about people's own views on Klosterman, whether he's a hipster idiot, their take that he is the kind of guy who rents a movie based on what he imagines the guy behind the counter will think about him because of his choice rather than because it's what he wants to see, etc. These people are clowns. Their discussion is valid and kind of interesting and may or may not be true, but what they're missing is that Klosterman absolutely nailed his review, and the discussion should be about that.
The part that got me excited early was this paragraph:
Here are the simple things about Chinese Democracy: Three of the songs are astonishing. Four or five others are very good. The vocals are brilliantly recorded, and the guitar playing is (generally) more interesting than the guitar playing on the Use Your Illusion albums. Axl Rose made some curious (and absolutely unnecessary) decisions throughout the assembly of this project, but that works to his advantage as often as it detracts from the larger experience. So: Chinese Democracy is good. Under any halfway normal circumstance, I would give it an A.
Fuckin A, man. Couldn't have said it better - and actually also noted that there are 9 legitimately good songs on the album, which makes it quite the achievement against any objective measures - for which there may be none as it relates to Chinese Democracy.
Anyway, after a solid 12-15 listens at this point, I'm liking it more and more with each listen. I won't try to come with a new way to say this because Klosterman sums it up perfectly:
I find myself impressed by how close Chinese Democracy comes to fulfilling the absurdly impossible expectation it self-generated, and I not-so-secretly wish this had actually been a triple album...The final truth is this: He makes the best songs. They sound the way I want songs to sound. A few of them seem idiotic at the beginning, but I love the way they end...he did a good thing here.
It's here. After only 17 years, it's here.
Now let me just start with a few qualifying statements and facts.
First of all, new Guns is not really Guns. Velvet Revolver is more Guns than this group of impostors to the throne. Sure Axl's the frontman and that carries some value. But let's be clear - this is not the same GnR and should be judged as a separate project.
Next, the world's been waiting almost two decades for this album. All the false starts, bad press, random bar fights with Tommy Hilfiger, ill-fated hair decisions (dreadlocks? cornrows?!?), and other assorted bullshit around Axl, his new band, and the album do not bode well for massive public success. The hype that has been building on itself for 17 years or so is crushing at this point, so an honest judgment of the music is gonna be pretty tough to extract from all the rest of it.
And I mean let's be honest - Bumblefoot and Dizzy Reed are only going to carry you so far.
All that said, I've been looking forward to this album since the day it was announced (I believe I was in high school at the time), and finally seeing the tracks lined up all nice and neat in my iTunes gives me a broner for sure. I've listened to the album 3 times through so far, and without getting into the details (we'll save those for a later post) - I fucking dig it.
I've struggled with my ability to be objective here. I mean I once almost tattooed a design on my shoulder giving prominence to guns and to roses as core design elements. (I still may in fact.) GnR was totally influential on my own musical upbringing, and is one of the few bands I still listen to on an almost daily basis. They're in the rotation for life. But do these facts predispose me to be more or less receptive to the band's new work? Arguments could be made on either side. I argue that I'm a harsher critic now because of my love of the old Guns. But am I so fucking excited that I'm going to be blind to what might be truly shitty music?
I think I can be fair.
Favorite tracks after 3 listens:
Sorry
Prostitute
Street of Dreams
This I Love
Madagascar
I.R.S.
Better
There Was a Time
Catcher in the Rye
And that's a lot of tracks. 9 of 'em in fact. Any album with 3 or more killer songs after the first few listens usually makes it into my "good album" category. More than that is just bonus. Triple that is fucking exciting. And as I listen over time I pull out more and more tracks that are interesting for various reasons. After 3 listens - still very much early days - I see this album having all the potential in the world to become great.
How does it map to the old Guns that I know and love? That's tougher to say. I mean the Use Your Illusion albums were a departure from the raw chaos that made Appetite so explosive - but Appetite was a totally new thing too, so anything derivative would have been by definition less explosive. So far I like Axl's more melodic tracks, and the harder stuff sounds more forced. It's different than the old Guns to be sure, but how might the band have evolved if it had stayed together? Velvet Revolver is a more direct descendant - musically and personnel-wise - of the true Guns n' Roses than Axl's new band. But that doesn't make what Axl has produced any less interesting in its own right.
So for me, Chinese Democracy is a success. Has it totally lived up to the hype? Maybe not. But could anything live up to this kind of hype?
Give it a listen and you tell me. I'm just pumped to have Axl back in the fold, and to see Guns - in whatever incarnation - relevant again.
UPDATE: here's a take by the LA Times. Interesting, even if the writer's love of her own voice makes me look positively concise by comparison... I mean, Ann Powers - get over yourself please. You're here to review albums, not masturbate on-screen. I need a nap after that review. Or a shower. I almost threw up reading this line: "Rose's music tells the saga of the mutually abusive relationship between the freight train's axle and the rose it crushes, a potentially poisonous flower that keeps growing back."
You've been warned.
